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Culture Girl/Modern Disney Is Near Death
It begins with Lauren watching the live-action remake of Cinderella at home while eating popcorn. *'Lauren:' Wow! This is total shit! They basically took the same premise as the cartoon one and they found a way to make one of my favorite actresses suck, twice, wait, no, thrice! She shows the two Alice reboots. *'Lauren:' Hell, I only like three, yes three of these cash-ins. What happened to you, Disney? You used to be more creative! I expected this from Sony, not from you! It then cuts to her in a room. *'Lauren:' Welcome back, Culture Girl here for another video. This video will be a bit different as I'll show how much I'm pissed off with those idiotic decisions Disney is doing nowadays. Those last years have been a disappointment with the House of Mouse: they first announce a huge wave of live-action remakes, they basically forgot Touchstone exists, they then close their video game unit, killing Disney Infinity, and they're now about to buy 20th Century Fox, including FX and National Geographic, but excluding the Fox network, Fox News and Fox Sports. Is there a thing I'm not mad with Disney? Well, the Marvel movies are awesome, the Star Wars sequel trilogy is good, I'm liking those new Disney TV cartoons so far and Pixar only fucked up twice. Guess. I name them Cars 2 and The Good Dinosaur. The first was basically an unneeded sequel that screwed everything up and the second didn't feel like a Pixar film at all. It was so weird that I thought it was from Illumination at first. So, about the Fox thing, what will that mean? Will The Simpsons move to ABC? Will Anastasia be now a Disney Princess? Will the X-Men be in the MCU? This is bullshit! Suddenly, a glowing blur is shown. *'Lauren:' Huh? *'???:' You wanna fuck with me? *'Lauren:' Who said that? The figure reveals himself. *'Lauren:' Aw fuck! It's my worst nightmare! The one behind Disney! The figure is revealed as Walt himself, shown as a spirit like Mufasa. *'Walt:' You mock my company? She kneels down in panic. *'Lauren:' Are you to buy my channel? *'Walt:' No. For God's sake, stand up and behave! She does so. *'Lauren:' Mr. Walt, about what I said, I meant about your company nowadays. I said it a zillion times before: I don't hate Disney, what I hate is their overuse of twist villains, live-action remakes and the fact they don't give a fuck to their fans to keep relevance. They're basically screwing up your legacy. What should I do? Tell me! *'Walt:' Don't lose your hope. Behind that hideous stuff my successors made, you can still enjoy what made my company what is it today. *'Lauren:' The happiest place on Earth? *'Walt:' Bingo! He fades away as she has an idea. She grins. She grabs a notebook and starts writing. *'Lauren:' Well, that vision gave me some ideas of how to make Disney back to how it used to be. Remember that time Disney usually did those direct-to-video films of crappy quality during the 2000s? It might be odd to say this, but bring them back so Disney can give a chance to be unoriginal without doing live-action. Second, easy down with the CGI or at least limit it to Pixar. Guess how many 2D films there are in this decade. Yeah, almost all were direct-to-video and apparently almost all from Warner Bros., especially that infamous Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory pseudo-remake where Tom and Jerry was in it. Even the second SpongeBob movie betrayed us and went partially CG. And it pains me to say that I liked the movie to one of the worst cartoons of all time more than the sequel to one of Disney's best CGI movies. Hell, even Warner's live-action/CGI take on Pokémon seems more lifeful than The Lion King remake. Don't limit 2D just to Disney Channel and Disney XD, try going back to your roots and make a new 2D Disney Princess. No need to brag but I do have some ideas. A subtitle shows up, saying "Have Scott Derrickson Direct One". *'Lauren:' I bet money I just blew up the comment section. Let me explain, has Disney ever done a 2D animated horror movie? (she hears voices) It doesn't need to be R. PG can fit perfectly. That's why I like A House With a Clock in Its Walls, it is a horror movie for kids. And there's a lot of stories that Disney can try. Like Dracula, Frankenstein, Cat People and a George Costanza gargoyle solo movie. Obviously not the last two because both of them would be a crime against nature. Well, what about Fox under Disney's hands? What would I suggest? The most obvious one is to stop with those useless Ice Age sequels. The series should have ended with the first one. Or if you want to redeem yourselves, do a final one where the gang reunites with the child and it ends with all of them dying. Okay, that one wasn't the best idea, but you get the idea: let it die already. You either die a hero (she shows posters for Treasure Planet, TBD) or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain (she shows posters for Norm of the North, Fast and the Furious, Sonic the Hedgehog and Ice Age). Well, what about The Simpsons? Yeah, it's Fox's #1 franchise, but it's no longer what it used to be. Yeah, the new episodes are a hit and miss, some are rather funny, others are not that funny, but if you want to end the show bringing back some of its former glory, do a finale movie. When the movie came out, we thought the show was no longer gonna exist, but they got us wrong. After reaching the big 30, I think it's finally time to put a brake on it. We already lost co-developer Sam Simon, Phil Hartman and Ms. Krabappel's actress and much of the cast will not last that long, some are already in their 70s. So, Disney, please end The Simpsons, that's why I suggest the second movie as the series finale. That's the thing I liked on King of the Hill, even with Fox cancelling it due to never knowing how to fit it on its schedule and the ratings no longer being what they used to be, even if some fanatic fans insist they cancelled it to make space for The Cleveland Show, Mike Judge was still able to give it a dignified ending. Same for Futurama, it was cancelled twice and both runs had a decent ending. But well, what about live-action stuff? Still on Fox's ground, remember a duology named Percy Jackson? Considering Disney's experience with fantasy stuff, they could redo it and make Percy Jackson actually good. The only thing I ask it's to not touch Alien and Predator. Those movies are iconic and you know it. If you want to reboot them or do a new take, please don't change the formula that made those movies iconic with a bad script, cheesy dialogue or overusing CGI. At the very least, have Arnie appear if you try touching Predator. And what about Avatar? It's a forgettable movie who doesn't need any kind of sequel, don't try to turn it into another of your cash-cows, it will not work. Now, going back to Disney itself, don't use your problems with Johnny Depp as an excuse to reboot Pirates of the Caribbean. Don't touch that series ever again. It had a good run and it's too soon to think about a reboot. Also, there's some underrated masterpieces that deserve those adaptions more than the most famous ones. (cough) Sword in the Stone, Atlantis and Treasure Planet. (cough) Even a live-action/animated Mickey Mouse movie could work. The Looney Tunes did it twice and they were pretty good. But God, avoid doing an atrocity like the live-action/CGI Woody Woodpecker movie. Why, Universal, why? Why'd you treat your own mascot like crap? One more idea to make your company better, bring back some cancelled films. I mean you tried doing stories like about a bear, a sequel to a racist film and an elephant stripper before getting canceled. (notices) Wait, did that last one was really to happen? But you get it. Also, Lucasfilm is not just Star Wars. Remember a certain franchise named Indiana Jones? You don't need to do another film with Harrison as Indy, take some notes from what Warner did with Mad Max and just make a soft reboot that starts it a new and stars IDK Karl Urban or Stephen Amell as Indy. Don't do the same mistake as Solo by trying to give a TBD. Indy is like James Bond or Sherlock Holmes: a random dude who does random stuff with random sidekicks and it doesn't need a specific actor to live the character. Now that you're about to own Fox, a move I'm deeply disgusted at, so don't be afraid to take up risks and do some more mature projects. Didn't you use to own a label named Touchstone? Use that more! The main problem with Disney is that they still have a too family-friendly image, a thing that doesn't happen with the rivals. Sure, Paramount has Nickelodeon and Warner Bros. has the Looney Tunes, Hanna-Barbera and Cartoon Network but Paramount has stuff like Star Trek, The Godfather, Mission: Impossible, Jack Ryan, Cloverfield and... ugh, Paranormal Activity and WB has The Matrix, Mad Max, the Wizarding World, Friday the Thirteenth, Nightmare on Elm Street, basically every Stephen King book and The Conjuring. So Disney, do more mature stuff that isn't over-milking Johnny Depp, live-action remakes or just random ass live-action movies you don't care about. That reminds me, take advantage of the Nicolas Cage's popularity on the internet and do a freakin' third National Treasure movie, most of us would likely kill to see it. Or bring back one of your super weird 70s live-action films and maybe don't cast Wednesday Addams and discount Kevin Hart, I am looking at you, That Darn Cat. If those worked in the 2000s, they can still work today. And what about your park rides? I know Pirates, the movie we don't name and the upcoming film featuring the Rock. If three rides gave you three movies, I guess you can get inspired by other rides to get even more movies. Also, this might get me some hate... but... A subtitle show up saying "Get the Disney family back into Walt's business". *'Lauren:' Since the younger Roy died, there's basically no one in the Disney family who oversees the family business, which is rather sad. When his uncle Walt and the older Roy passed away, he had a large presence in the Disney structure and often tried to get Disney out of worse scenarios like bankruptcy, bad administration of even getting bought by a larger corporation. Yes, I'm talking at you, Comcast. A fun fact: Murdoch tried to buy Disney in the 1980s and now they're buying his own studio. So... Imagine if that really happened. Now we would have ABC's newscasts often shouting "Democrats are the anti-Christ, Obama is a Muslim, the Republicans are our saviors and Donald Trump is God". If you're a moderate Republican and a sane Trump supporter, congratulations, you still think by yourself. Now, if you're one of those fanatic Trump supporters who thinks anyone the President hates or don't like him is a Communist, you have serious mental issues. Wait, I was talking about Disney. But you get the point, Disney is still the only independent major studio whose founder's family was still active on it recently. All the others were engulfed by larger companies or businessmen: Fox by Murdoch, Paramount by the Redstones, WB by AT&T, Universal by Comcast and Columbia by Sony. In fact, during a time in the 1990s, Columbia and Universal were both owned by Japanese electronic companies: Columbia by the ones we perfectly know and Universal by Panasonic. But anyway, Disney stuff. I personally believe Disney will stop being greedy like that when another Disney who cares about Walt's legacy assumes a role in the studio and to TBD. * Category:Transcripts